Birthing Journey

Contemplating

2011-08-12T18:27:00.000-07:00

This blog has sat empty for a number of months. It has been painful for me to even post here. My emotions are running all over the spectrum lately when it comes to midwifery. This is my life. This is what motivates me and moves me. And yet, I am starting to think that I am going to have to give it up.

There does not seem to be an apprenticeship coming my direction any time soon. I cannot afford to keep making the tuition payments at MCU. The idea of traveling for school has crossed my mind, but after discussing it with my partner, it just doesn't seem as though that is ever going to happen either.

It is truly breaking my heart. I find myself losing my motivation to do *anything*, not just midwifery stuff. As I feel this dream slip from my hands, I find myself thinking, 'Why bother?' What is the point in making my life into what I want it to be, if there is nothing to work toward?

Not trying to be a bummer here. Just trying to face the facts.

Middle of Winter Duldrums

2011-02-04T09:19:00.000-08:00

Life continues on. My education continues on. I've been busy with a lot of little things and they all seem to build up to be one gigantic life. Obviously, that puts the blogging to the wayside a bit. But this week, I have been taking some time to re-prioritize and I've realized that blogging really helps me to solidify things in my mind and to keep connected to the larger midwifery community as a whole. I have made so many amazing connections and built some truly honest friendships through the internet and I have to remember how important those friendships can be for me. So, I have a goal of blogging at least once a week.

I will be taking my NRP course at the end of this month and one necessary certification will be out of the way for now. I have a consult with a new doula client on Tuesday. And I've finally started a savings account to begin working towards going to a high volume birth center sometime in the next year. Working toward "it" and practicing that patience that I learned earlier in my journey.

A new semester begins

2010-09-08T16:56:00.000-07:00

My second official semester as a midwifery student started yesterday. It is going to be another fairly easy one with a writing course and a medical terminology course. We received an email a week ago that the beginning of our terminology course is being put off until later in the month, so as of right now I don't have a whole lot of "school" work to do. It's actually kind of disappointing. I like being a bit overwhelmed by my courses. It keeps me on my toes.

Instead, I am starting out this semester working part-time at the bookstore at the University of Minnesota. It would seem that would have absolutely nothing to do with my own education and a whole lot to do with the educations of a lot of young folks. But if you could only hear me chanting my mantra of "MANA! MANA! October! October!" I plan on using every last penny that I earn working at the bookstore to fund my trip to the MANA conference in Nashville. I'm so incredibly excited to go. So many old friends to see, new friends to meet, amazing speakers to hear and workshops to attend. Horray for MANA!

Summer!

2010-08-18T05:38:00.000-07:00

Ah summer! It's been beautiful. I've been on summer break officially for a week. I finished up my finals last Tuesday and ever since I have just been completely vegetating. For an entire week, I did nothing but catch up on episodes of The Colony, drinking coffee, and reading absolutely trashy novels. I have a wonderful new doula client, so I am also prepping to get started on prenatal appointments with her. And the weather has been perfect! If you could write a script for a glorious summer break, this would be how it would be written.

Technically, classes do not start for another two and a half weeks. But luck of all luck, Karen Strange is in town next week to present her Midwifery Management of Neonatal Resuscitation workshop. I am so utterly thrilled about that. Not only will I get my Neonatal Resuscitation Provider certification, but through a workshop that is touted as one of the best around. Incredibly exciting. Of course, the day after the workshop, my little family is headed off on vacation, but I honestly don't really care all that much! I'll just have to pack early. It's just such a wonderful opportunity!

End of the semester

2010-08-01T08:14:00.000-07:00

I've been plugging along all summer now and there are officially only two weeks left in the semester. I don't think I have been this proud of myself in quite some time. Just finishing up one more project and taking one more final and I will have a couple of weeks off. Summer break! We'll be off to Chicago for a week of family vacation. I just have to get to there from here.

I took three classes this semester, and have As in the two classes that are graded and a complete in the classes that was pass/fail. I've worked very hard and studied very hard. I often feel like I'm paving a new path for myself and this time I'm doing it the right way. I took the time to dig up the sod and smooth down the ground. I'm laying a foundation before I try to pour the cement.

When I initially started this blog, I thought I would use it like every student midwife blog, but I'm finding that it is becoming much more about my journey than I originally planned. I'm not posting many articles or essays about birth. I'm not using it for birth activism. Perhaps I should try to incorporate more of that.

Still not an apprentice

2010-07-10T05:58:00.000-07:00

*sigh* I got the email this morning that the midwife went with someone else. So, I'm still without an apprenticeship. And completely and totally sad.

There are all the arguments; "this was obviously not meant to be", "it wasn't the right apprenticeship for you," "it wasn't the right time". And I agree. Those things are probably true. In fact, I know they are true.

But for today, I am just sad.

A lesson in patience

2010-06-29T13:45:00.000-07:00

Thus far along my path to becoming a midwife, I have found that most things are a lesson in patience. There was the waiting until The Boy was old enough for me to start my education. There was the waiting for the right time to enroll in a program. There was the waiting to find out if I was accepted to Midwives College of Utah. And now there is the waiting to find out if I am going to be apprenticing with the midwife I met with at the beginning of June. It's all about patience.

Thankfully, it is a lesson that I am learning to handle fairly well. Though I definitely have a lot of anticipation, it is a fun anticipation and I'm trying to learn to enjoy it. The only concern I have is that there is one more apprenticeship at the new birth center that has opened up in our area that I would like to apply for if this one doesn't come through. And I'm worried that the timing is not going to work out right and I will end up without either one. I want to work with the solo practice midwife, but would learn a lot from either.

But I will just keep soaking up the lessons I am learning. God knows that birth doesn't come when it is most convenient to us either!

In other news....

2010-06-20T18:00:00.000-07:00

Have I told you about my A average this semester? Yes, I know.

I rock.

Detoxification and midterms

2010-06-20T16:38:00.000-07:00

In my journey to become a midwife....heck, at this point, to become a student midwife, I have been thinking so much about my own physical health and the things that I need to do to prepare myself to be strong and able to serve women in the best possible way. And I've come to the realization that I have been treating my body like a toxic dumping ground for the last 15 years. High fructose corn syrups, processed flours, unnatural additives and preservatives, chemical laden junk have been flooding my body. It's gotta change. But I really have no idea how to begin. So, I guess I just have to start.

I've been pounding water over the last few days trying to give myself a good base to work with. I have no idea really what I'm going to do or how I'm going to do it. I just know at my core that I need to start giving my body a solid foundation to work from, instead of working so hard to sabotage myself.

3 weeks down....So many to go.

2010-05-17T21:08:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have been so full of so much LIFE! I fall into bed almost every single night, exhausted and overwhelmed, but so very fulfilled. This last week, I spend the majority of my time doing NON-midwifery things, because it was time for me to celebrate my anniversary with my wonderful and amazing partner. We had a fabulous week, including the most amazing fondue dinner and a weekend of nothing but sloth and gluttony.

But now it is back to reality, and studying microbiology and refreshing my brain on APA formatting. I know it's not that big of a deal, but I'm managing to maintain an A in all two courses after 3 weeks, and the third one hasn't had any assignments, so I guess that counts as an A, too. (Or I'm going to pretend it does, at least.)

And I've LEARNED something*. It's a small thing and I'm sure I already knew it somewhere or had I really thought it out it would have come to me, but reading it in black and white really solidified it for me.

I was looking over my course plan for the next year and I'm a bit disappointed because I realized that I don't have any courses that are directly related to midwifery until January when I get to take Well-Woman Care. I'm really going to do something about that. I've been looking into a skills workshop in September. It's in Massachusetts, but they offer on site camping. So, really if I can transport out there....But then again, there is also the fall MCU conference in October.....

I'll have to put it out there and start dreaming of Fall weather and workshops/conferences.....

*Dehydration=cells transferring water from external to internal via osmosis to try to reach homeostasis

Five days left!

2010-04-29T05:21:00.000-07:00

I swear that logically I know that this first semester of school is really just a first semester of school, completely with the boredom and frustration that come along with a communication class and an anatomy class. But I still just can't help but be so very excited to get started! It seems like once a day or so I get an email from someone at the MCU office and I just about burst with excitement, like they're writing to tell me that just for me they're going to start the semester early. *giggle* (Oh, that's hilarious, because if you know me at all, I am NOT a giggler. I laugh or cackle. Loudly. No polite little giggles for this amazon!) I'm just so excited that I'm tittering with anticipation. Maybe I need to spend some time thinking about organizing my time and school work. That might kill the next five days.

This weekend I am getting blessed with two beautiful pieces of furniture! First a desk, which I have needed for a long time but really need now that school is starting. I need somewhere to be able to call home base for studying. And our lovely friend Emily has generously offered me the desk she'll no longer be using when she begins cohabitating on June 1. And then shortly after receiving the offer of a desk, I caught wind via Facebook that Julia's parents were looking for a new home for their solid wood hutch. YES, please! It's cabinets on the lower half, glass and wood doors on the upper. It's beautiful, beautiful, beautiful! It's going to be the ideal location for my "library" and supplies. We're picking up my desk on Friday and my new hutch on Saturday, and I'm absolutely sure I will post pictures of them very soon.

Patience is golden

2010-04-06T20:10:00.000-07:00

These last three weeks before classes begin might just cause me to explode with excitement. I spend every day looking at my class schedule for this fall and searching the internet for deals on textbooks. This first semester will be fairly relaxed.

New Student Orientation (which is a class that will take around 12 hours total)
Anatomy for Health Professionals
Communciations skills

The text books for the communications course are both available from my local library system on NetLibrary. To say this least, this thrills me to no end. It's not that they aren't good books or that the topic isn't important. I just do not want to spend money on books that won't become a permenant part of my library. What can I say, I'm cheap?

But textbooks don't look nearly as bad as I thought they would. In fact, my entire year of books between now and next spring semester will be less than $300. I remember spending more than that on one quarter of books when I got my EC Spec Ed degree. Not that I will stop looking for good deals on those books. I think I'm going to make it a goal to get the total down to less than $250.

I've also found a study group here in Minneapolis, which thrills me to no end. I know of a fantastic new midwife who is hosting one monthly at her home, but it is an hour drive from my house and usually held on a week night, which makes it difficult to get to.

Little do folks know, I'm an incredibly shy person with a not-so-small amount of social anxiety. So, now the challenge will be to actually convince myself to attend the group.

Shock and Awe

2010-03-23T19:04:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here fighting off tears of joy. It's been a few weeks since I updated, but until today, there hasn't been a lot to tell about my career as a student midwife.

About three weeks ago, I made the decision to apply to the Midwives College of Utah. It's a fantastic program. They offer a payment plan that I feel I can handle. The staff and instructors are wonderful and inspiring. They're MEAC accredited, which though isn't the end-all be-all in midwifery education since it's not required to become a midwife, it does add a level of security.

So, I submitted my application.

And as of about three hours ago, I am writing to you as an official student midwife with MCU.

I have a bunch of paperwork to go through over the next few days so that I can send in my initial enrollment fees and make it official. Classes will begin on May 3.

I'm still a bit in shock, I think. I simply cannot believe that life is really moving the way that I want it to.

And things change once again

2010-02-18T09:48:00.000-08:00

I got the terrible news about two weeks ago that my short-term apprenticeship and the spring advanced skills workshop have been cancelled. So, very, very disappointing. I gotta admit that my heart broke a little bit. I've really just been feeling so anxious about finding a real apprenticeship. It's killing me. One step at a time grasshopper. I had another opportunity come up, but due to transportation issues, there is just no way to make it feasible this year. My next option is looking into one of the Domincan Republic trips offered. I just want to get some hands on experience. That has to help me to be more competitive when it comes to finding an apprenticeship.

I also think that I'm going to attempt a dual enrollment in two separate schools. MTB is a great guideline for self-study, but I'm feeling like I need a little more guidance. So I'm considering either the Midwives College of Utah or the Michigan School of Traditional Midwifery. Both are a bit more structured and a bit more well recognized. I feel like between the two programs, I will get an EXCELLENT, very encompassing education and will have a reputable school name to back that up. I truly hate that it matters to me. I wish I was one of those people who could just trust in myself to prove my worthiness, but I'm just not that confident. Not in my ability. I'm VERY confident in my ability to learn the information and to become an excellent midwife. It's my ability to sell myself that I'm not confident with. I feel like I need a strong program to stand on to prove the validity of my education. I don't know if that even makes sense. Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn't. All I know is that I wish I could get financial aid so that I could attend one of the schools that actually accepts it. Or that I had decent credit and could shuffle around some zero interest credit cards. I'm completely willing to go into debt for my education. I just don't have the option to do that.

So, things are changing. And that's okay. It's just...change.

Another Beautiful Week

2009-12-30T05:09:00.000-08:00

I got my wish and attended a beautiful 6 lb 3 oz baby girl coming into the world the day after Christmas. It was an amazing birth with a very strong and resilient mama. She pushed for over three hours and it definitely renewed my spirit.

An amazing opportunity has presented itself to me and after talking to my family and tossing our schedules around in my head a bit, I have decided that I'm going to spend the month of May at the clinic in Tennessee on a short-term apprenticeship. The plan was initially that I would be going down for an advanced skills workshop the last weekend of April, but after getting the offer for the apprenticeship, I'll be staying from that weekend until sometime at the end of May. Luckily the clinic has a spare bedroom, so housing is incredibly affordable. The most expensive portion of the trip will be my travel expenses down there! It truly is a fabulous opportunity. And I think it is something that I may really need.

Unfortunately, I am not sure how things are working out with *M*. I have attended two prenatal appointments with her, but the most recent one was nearly three weeks ago. I was scheduled to go with her to a third, but she has been very ill with pneumonia. The mama that she has been letting me attend with is due to delivery in the first part of January, and I haven't heard from her in three weeks. I absolutely do not want to burden her at all, especially since she has been so sick. So, I'm starting to wonder if this is just a good opportunity to get to observe some births and help out a fellow birthworker, but not the long-term mentorship that I was hoping. We will see, however. I'm not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater quite yet.

But I do feel like by taking on this short-term apprenticeship in Tennessee, I am again adding to my "birth resume" and making myself an even more favorable candidate for any apprenticeship that should come up in the area, especially considering how terribly competitive this area can be for apprenticeships. It all leads me down the same path, but it is definitely better if I can prepare and make myself more competitive when a preceptor does become available.

It's a slow, slow process.

2009-12-17T09:50:00.000-08:00

I finally got enrolled in an academic program to begin working in the direction of taking the NARM exam. I have chosen not to mention names or locations of any program on my blog, because I don't want it to turn into some sort of advertisement. But I can say that after spending months agonizing about which program to enroll with, I finally realized that putting myself into debt to pay for my education was not the best idea. So, my decision was definitely one that was driven by getting the best "bang for my buck," and I have definitely found that.

I've been attending prenatal appointments with *M* and I am still completely in love with the process. It's beautiful and it makes my heart soar each and every time.

Again, I am struggling with my constant urge to hurry up and make things happen. That just is not how the world works, but I fight the urge every day to rush, rush, rush. Midwifery will definitely be a series of lessons in humility and patience.

I am waiting right now for one of my doula clients to go into labor. The client I have been observing with *M* will be birthing some time at the beginning of January. Another doula client is due at the beginning of February. So, the births are coming. I just want to get myself immersed and the waiting it driving me crazy!

Part of that anticipation is the craving for that "space" that only a birth provides. There is a moment during a birth when everything else disappears. The world outside of the birthing room goes away. There is a total peace and energy. I wish that I could put more words to it. It is magical.

"The Death" overcame me...

2009-11-23T09:37:00.001-08:00

And then I recovered.

Oh, my. The last few weeks really drug me down. I am 90 percent certain that I contracted H1N1 somewhere. It has a been a very long time since I have been that ill. There were moments when I could not imaging it could get any worse. And then it did.

But slowly over the last two weeks, with the aid of lots and lots of water, echinacea, golden seal, and massive quantities of Emerge-C, I have gotten back to healthy. It was a rather rocky road.

It really through a wrench into my schedule. I ended up having to reschedule numerous doula client appointments and ended up missing the prenatal with *M*. Fortunately, she was incredibly understanding. I'll be attending the rest of the prenatals with this couple and their birth in January. So, it seems everything is working out.

Now I just have to get through Thanksgiving and life can resume normal!

The World Can Be So Strange

2009-11-02T07:33:00.000-08:00

The day before I was supposed to meet with the midwife about apprenticing, I called her to confirm our appointment. She was very sweet on the phone, but unfortunately, informed me that she had changed her mind. There are a lot of women in this area looking for apprenticeships and she felt that it was unfair to them to offer one to someone who had been studying for less time than they had. I understand that completely, even if I was a bit disappointed. I felt rather stupid on the telephone though after she told me that, and stammered my way through the rest of the conversation. It probably was not the most articulate moment of my life.

I was pretty sad to tell you the truth. In that moment, it seemed as though the only two paths that had been presented to me were blocked. The first midwife I had met with had been out of contact, and now the second one was not interested in working with me. I have to admit that I shed a couple of tears in that first ten minutes after hanging up my phone.

Then I set out to be proactive. I wrote an email to midwife #1, who from now on will be known as *M*. I told her in detail about the workshop in Tennessee and everything I had learned and how rejuvenated I felt by the experience. I asked again about attending births with her, even if it was just as an assistant. I told her I was willing to do anything just to get my foot in the door.

Within a half an hour, she responded back! My timing was perfect. She had spoke with a couple about me and they were interested in having me at their birth as an extra support. She had a prenatal appointment schedule with them for later in the week and asked if I could come with.

WOW. If that is not the world trying to tell me that this was meant to be, I don't know what it was!

*M* has communicated that she does not feel ready to take on an actual "teaching relationship" at this point, but that having me attend births and appointments as a support to her and families would be helpful.

I attended and observed my first prenatal last week. And it was so wonderful. And regardless of the official definition of my relationship with *M*, I learned a lot just from that one meeting. Watching her interact with the mom and dad taught me SO much about interacting with families. When we walked out we talked briefly about some of the unsaid communication that was presented (body language, etc) and I realized that I had so much to learn about just simple observation.

I can absolutely see myself doing this for the rest of my life. In fact, it is the only thing I can see myself doing.

Trying to Find a Path in the Forest

2009-10-24T18:05:00.000-07:00

I think the scariest part thus far on this new adventure has been the idea of finding an apprenticeship.

I believe so strongly in the apprentice model of education. Midwifery is one of the few career choices you can take any more than relies so heavily on apprenticeship. There was a time when most careers were learned by extended apprenticeships, whether that was as a baker or a seamstress. Young people would find a master to learn from, aspiring to become masters at the craft they were learning. They experienced their chosen field in the real working world. They learned from situations, and not from text books.

This model truly seems to be the only real option when it comes to midwifery. It is a calling that does not lend itself well to classroom learning with hypothetical situations. It is an art where each and every situation can change in a moment, and there is no way to learn the level of flexibility and sustaining stamina without truly LIVING it.

There is also the sisterhood of midwifery...just an aside, kind of-- The "Sisterhood of Midwifery"is one of those phrases that tends to lend itself to what I call the "fluffy" language of midwifery. Personally, I'm not a into fluffy language. I like to tell things how they are. I love beautiful language. I'm a literature hound. Some of my favorite reading is poetry. Yet, when it comes to the real world, I like to keep things real.

But in this case...it is a phrase that I love. The sisterhood of midwifery. Sisterhood. Women, together, in a bond that is unbreakable and undeniable. It describes *exactly* the experiences I have had that have kept me coming back to my passion for birth and the birthwork. It's that sisterhood that refreshes me and rejuvenates my passion. And apprenticeship plays into that sisterhood so much! Women teaching women to care for women. Each One, Teach One. Leaning on each other for our education and, once we are ready, furthering the educations of future generations.

So, I have been searching for an apprenticeship. I've been searching hard. I have contacted every midwife in Minnesota. I've received very few responses back. A few are not looking for apprentices right now, and I have genuinely appreciated that they at least took the five minutes to tell me that. Most suggested that if I was still looking in six months to a year, I could contact them again. I have met with one midwife, but never really heard much from her again after we met. I'm taking that to mean that it just was not meant to happen. I have an appointment this week with another midwife, who I am very interested in working with. There are a number of reasons that I find her practice appealing, including her wonderful reputation. We'll see how the meeting this week goes, but I'm really crossing my fingers.

I know that I will find an apprenticeship when I am supposed to and that the right doors will open when they should.

Boon at the Warehouse Book Sale!

2009-10-19T10:07:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to budget out money for books for school for some time now. Books can be damn expensive and I just didn't know how I was going to be able to do more than one or two books at a time.

When my partner mentioned that there was a warehouse sale at the State Fair grounds this weekend, I jumped at the chance. Hoping I would get one or two books to check off the list. Wow, was I surprised when I walked out with a bag that is overflowing with books.

Here is what I got:

The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding
Amazon Price: $13.00
My Price: $2.00
Savings: $11.00

HypnoBirthing: The Mongan Method
Amazon Price: $13.57
My Price: $2.00
Savings: $11.57

The Official Lamaze Guide, Giving Birth with Confidence
Amazon Price: $8.64
My Price: $1.00
Savings: $7.64

Taking Charge of Your Fertility: THe Defininitive Guide to Natural Birth Control
Amazon Price: $16.49
My Price: $1.00
Savings: $15.49

The Birth Book by William and Martha Sears
Amazon Price: $10.19
My Price: $2.00
Savings: $8.19

The Breastfeeding Book by William and Martha Sears
Amazon Price: $10.19
My Price: $2.00
Savings: $8.19

The Hip Mama Survival Guide
Amazon Price: $19.00
My Price: $2.00
Savings: $17.00

How to Make a Pregnant Woman Happy
Amazon Price: $11.21
My Price: $2.00
Savings: $9.21

Wise Woman Herbal for the Childbearing Year
Amazon Price: $9.95
My Price: $3.00
Savings: $6.95

New Choices in Natural Healing
Amazon Price: $14.21
My Price: $2.00
Savings: $12.21

The Official Lamaze Guide: Giving Birth with Confidence
Amazon Price: $8.64
My Price: $1.00
Savings: $7.64

Our Bodies, Ourselves
Amazon Price: $18.72
My Price: $2.00
Savings: $16.72

Fertility Wisdom: How Traditional Chinese Medicine Can Help Overcome Infertility
Amazon Price: $4.40
My Price: $2.00
Savings: $2.20

TOTAL Savings: $126.57

ONE HUNDRED TWENTY SIX DOLLARS AND FIFTY SEVEN CENTS!

That's a HUGE savings!

Day 3 & 4: Tennesee Workshop Trip

2009-10-19T08:24:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling a lot to put to words the entire workshop. So, I decided to split it into sections so that I can make sure that I cover everything. The days kind of run together in my mind, because it was all so over powering and completely exhilarating. It would be like trying to describe a roller coaster ride moment by moment. There is just too much. Emotions change by the moment. New information is learned each and every second.

The Clinic

As I was driving up the pavement to the clinic, I was greeted by 100 pounds of Great Pyrenees.

Technically, this big guy is just out of puppy-hood. He's a year old. Sweet as all goodness, but damn, was he stubborn. He was laying in the exact middle of the driveway as I pulled up, and refused to move. I slowed my car down to less than five miles an hour thinking that as I got closer he would get up. He didn't. I ended up having to inch my way around him. When I got out of the car, he and another Pyrenees, as well as a beautiful yellow lab met me at the car and proceeded to sniff my luggage to make sure I didn't have my dogs stowed away in one of the bags. I'm sure they could smell my pack, and it was funny to watch them attempt to climb into the trunk to investigate.

Off to my left was a goat pen, so of course, I had to go say hello. I told you that there was a bit of country in me, but I always notice it more when I'm presented with a real farm.

I was enthralled by the beautiful countryside every day I was there. The second morning I was sitting in my car waking up with a cup of coffee and I was drawn to the dew on the grass. I had left Minnesota in the heart of fall, and when I got to Tennessee it was still very much late summer. It was so beautiful. Little did I know that when I returned to Minnesota, I would have missed Autumn all together. It was SNOWING at home that morning!

I have to say that when I was sitting outside enjoying the mornings, I was also smoking cigarettes. I was horrible embarrassed by that the entire time I was there. I hate that I have such a terrible addiction to nicotine. My insurance will only pay for me to attempt to quit once a year, and January is coming soon so they will pay for medication one more time. This attempt will be much more supported. I'm going to attempt the regular medication route, but add in some alternative health options as well. Hopefully that will increase my chances of a healthy quit.

The Women

The beautiful, amazing, intelligent, loving women that I met during the workshop have changed me. They touched my heart deeply.

From left to right: Joy, Andrea, Misty, Leah (holding Eowyn), Linda, Gay (holding Sophia), and me

It is very rare for me to feel as though I "fit". I tend to feel very much like an outsider no matter where I go. I've gotten good at blending, even when I'm obviously the sore thumb that sticks out. But I didn't feel as though I had to do that. I felt like we were all very different and very unique women, but that there was something bigger than all of us that had drawn us together and made us all part of something special. It made us all "fit".

We all laughed and cried. We sat up talking through the night about our lives and our experiences. We shared meals and "space". We formed a good sized family for the two days we were together.

These women inspired me and reinvigorated the passion that I have for midwifery. I try desperately not to become jaded in this world, but it's difficult at times. These women reassured me of the fantastic love and joy in the midwifery community.

What We Learned

The learning happened so organically and instinctively. We learned through conversations, stories, and hands on experiences.

Andrea and Misty, the midwife's apprentices, were incredibly talented at pulling learning opportunities out of each and every conversation. They found things that peaked our interest and elaborated on it. They took time to help us go over our NARM application packets so that we would be able to navigate the complexity of all the paperwork.

We learned universal precautions and sterile technique. We practiced basic physical exam skills on each other. Two beautiful mamas came in to the clinic to give us the opportunity to learn basic prenatal exams, including Leopold's Maneuvers and fetal heart rate monitoring. A delicious little two week old boy came in so that we could learn to do a newborn exam. I couldn't help but spend some time sniffing his little head.

I have always had a deep fear about my ability to use needles, either for injections or to draw blood. It just wasn't something that I could imagine myself being able to learn. Yet, I did. With a very patient Joy and Misty, I was able to draw blood for the first time. Now that I've actually done it, I feel like I could do it again. It was just getting the feeling for the vein and knowing that I could do it. Confidence!

I have to say that my favorite part of the workshop was the time we got to spend exploring placentas. The two most recent mamas to deliver with Linda donated their placentas to the workshop. It was fascinating! You can read about anatomy all you want, but you never fully understand it until you can witness it physically. And with placentas....wow. There is just such a power in that little organ. There is something almost magical about it.

The Tree of Life
(see those gorgeous veins that look like branches?)

Ms. Linda talking to us about cord attachment

Me, exploring the amnion and chorion

When I left the clinic on Saturday afternoon to head to my hotel in Nashville, I must admit that there were tears in my eyes. I was so incredibly joyful and empowered. The experience changed me, and I can't quite even explain how. But it did.

Thank you, Tennessee for showing me your beautiful land. Thank you to the other student midwives for sharing your wisdom and your babies with me. Thank you to the Universe for the opportunity to learn and grow. Thank you to Andrea and Misty for sharing your mentor, and for putting so much of yourselves into helping us learn. And mostly, thank you to Linda for the delicious food, comfortable housing, wonderful stories, and for having faith and hope for the future of midwifery.

Day 2: Tennessee Workshop Trip

2009-10-19T08:21:00.000-07:00

I certainly did not realize it would be a week after I got back to Minneapolis before I would be writing out day 2 of this trip. Let alone days 3 through 5. I also did not realize that my 32 year old body does not respond as well to 12 hour days of driving as it did when it was 22 years old. It took a lot out of me this time around and I had to conserve resources wherever possible. Unfortunately, that meant not spending a half an hour each night blogging. Once I got home, I was exhausted and emotional overwhelmed. I couldn't even put to words how wonderful my week had been until a couple days ago. But I have a clear memory and some great photos to back it up, so I think I can still get you fairly well up to date.

Day 2

After sleeping fairly soundly at the hotel in Saint Louis, I woke up to drizzling rain and a sniffly nose from leaving the a/c on all night. I wanted to make sure that I was on the road as early as possible, but didn't take into account the horrible rush hour traffic of Saint Louis. Blah. I did get to see the Arch from the MLK though.

After three hours on the rainy freeway, I started to get a bit stir crazy. I had been listening to podcasts and had run out of good ones. The satellite radio system in the rental car was not providing anything interesting. And then I saw a highway sign for Land Between the Lakes National Recreation Area. A quick look at the GPS showed that it would add an hour or so to my drive, but I knew that I really needed some nature time. Don't get me wrong. I'm a city girl at heart, but occasionally, I really need some time with trees around me. This was one of those times.

I can't even begin to describe what a beautiful drive it was. Lush trees hang over all of the roads. There isn't one sound beyond the wind blowing and the occasional car that drives past on the back roads.
At one point, I decided to follow a road sign to a "primitive cemetery". I pulled off the main paved road onto a wet gravel drive. There were a few times that I was concerned that I would end up stuck in the mud, but luckily that did not happen. I had rolled down the windows and was really sucking in all of the fresh air and wonderful smells of the forest. Just after I went around that bend in the road in the photo above, I saw what I initially thought was a large dog. But the closer I got to it, the more I realized that it was a very large bear! I was too freaked out to manage to get my camera out and snap a picture. I just tick tacked my little rental car around and sped the other direction praying that the bear wasn't going to chase me. Of course, now that I look back on it, I realize that the bear was probably more annoyed with me than anything and the chances of her trying to chase me down were one million to one, but in the moment I was terrified. I don't see a whole lot of bears in Northeast Minneapolis!

That was not my only encounter with wild animals during my trek through LBL. I was listening to the AM "park information" station on the radio and was informed that there were numerous locations throughout the park where I would have a good chance of seeing a herd of wild Bison. So, I kept my eyes peeled toward the prairie areas. For the first half our, all I really saw was prairie grass, which was absolutely gorgeous...

but it wasn't a herd of Bison! I was really determined to see those damn Bison! Then as I turned a bend in the road, I notice a couple other cars pulled over with cameras out. And there they were...
just as wild and majestic as I had hoped they would be. I sat down in the grass, about 200 feet from the herd and just took it all in. I had seen Bison in the zoo before, but this was something that I cannot even begin to explain. I couldn't believe how powerful and real they looked. THIS was nature. And exactly what I needed to feel energized again about the rest of my drive.

I finished the drive through LBL, driving from the very Northern entrance all the way to the Southern exit. I could have cut through at a number of places and made my drive a bit shorter, but I was so entranced by how beautiful it was that I just couldn't get myself to turn off the road and head back to the freeway.

I finally made it out, and spent some time meandering through small Tennessee towns along the southern edge of Fort Campbell. I saw homes that I thought were somehow tied into the mythology of that area of the country; essentially little shacks with rickety front porches, barely large enough to have two rooms.

I'm always amused by the billboards in the South. See, in Minnesota, you very rarely see a billboard for an "adult clubs". Sexuality is much more...hidden here. As I drove through Tennessee, I would say a good 30% of the billboards were for gentleman's clubs or sex toy shops. It amused me a great deal. Then I saw what I can only think of as the "strip mall of sin"-- a gun shop, a strip club, a sex toy store, a tobacconist, and a liquor store. It was priceless. Must have had something to do with the zoning in that village, but I couldn't help but laugh.

I finally made it back to the interstate and got the Nashville fairly quickly. Unfortunately, it was evening rush hour and the most I saw of the city was the skyline from the freeway and the rear end of a truck. I sat behind that truck for almost an hour before traffic cleared up and I was able to move faster than 30 miles an hour.

I reached Huntsville around 9 pm. I wanted to make sure I got to sleep as soon as I could, since I had to be in Fayetteville by 7:30 in the morning. I absolutely had to eat, because eating and driving just never equates to healthy eating. I was very tempted by the Waffle House that was attached to my hotel, since we don't have WH in Minnesota. But I made the better choice to keep myself healthy and got a sandwich full of veggies and delicious whole grain bread.

Day 1: Tennesee Workshop Trip

2009-10-07T19:53:00.000-07:00

Of course I couldn't sleep last night. I didn't even go to bed until after 11:30, and then woke up, completely up, by 3:00 a.m. There was no way that I could go back to sleep. I tossed and turned. I tried to keep my eyes closed. I tried to breathe myself back to sleep. But when the clocked switched over to 3:30, I decided that enough was enough and crawled out of bed. I tried to nurse my cup of coffee as long as possible, but at 4:00 I was ready to get on the road.

I stopped at the gas station down the road from our house and grabbed a cup of horrible coffee, because I knew that I wouldn't find a coffee shop anywhere that was open. In fact, it wasn't until I pulled into Eau Claire, Wisconsin an hour and a half later that I found somewhere that didn't make their cappuccino from a powder. Somehow, between leaving my house and the sun coming up around 7:15, I manged to pound down three cups of the blah gas station coffee and two Americanos. I must have been much more tired than I realized, because I don't remember much before the sunrise. Of course, right around that time, I realized that I had forgotten to pack my sunglasses. So, I stopped in Baraboo, WI to buy a pair. Nothing fancy, but enough to keep me from getting a splitting headache.

The drive was starting to take a MUCH longer than I anticipated. For some reason, even though Google and my GPS told me to expect 10 hours and 30 minutes, I thought I could make it in eight. At 5 and a half hours, I realized that was going to happen. So, I started planning on ways to keep myself entertained.

This included a side trip down part of Historic Route 66, which wasn't interesting at all. It was essentially a frontage road the the highway I needed to be on anyway.

Being the daughter of a Union man who was the son of a Union man, I grew up around with the labor movement in my blood. So, I knew that I wanted to see the Mother Jones Monument in Mount Olive, Illinois. Um...well, I thought I wanted to see the Mother Jones Monument. So, I drove about ten miles off the freeway into the little village, drove around for nearly a half hour before realizing that it was in the cemetery. When I found the Union Miners Cemetery in the back of the town, I was excited. I love old graveyards. They are so incredibly peaceful and beautiful. So, I enjoyed some time wandering through the graveyard and then I turned the corner and stumbled across the "monument".

Now with a word like "monument", I guess I expected something a bit....well monumental. Instead I found a cement pillar that stood possibly twenty feet tall, flanked by two "miner" statues, with a plaque of Mother Jones' face on the side. There was a cork board covered in plexi-glass about ten feet away with a few black and white print outs about Mrs. Jones' life and work. It was a bit of a let down, to say the least. But I got to enjoy a beautiful little town and a walk in a gorgeous graveyard.

I made it into my hotel around 5 o'clock. And as soon as I walked into my room, I crashed. Hard. My body just did not want to function any longer. Of course, the fact that I had been subsisting on granola bars, Triscuits, and summer sausage all day wasn't helping. After a much needed rest, I manged to run to Trader Joe's to pick up some food and a tin of coffee so that I could make the most delicious hotel dinner I have ever had.

That would be my lovely plate of sliced braeburn apple, sliced baguette, goat cheese, a blob of raw honey, and a coffee cup full of sparkling pomegranate juice! I feel so much better now that I've eaten. A shower will be able to top this day off right. And settling in to read Spiritual Midwifery for the 8 millionth time. I'll be off bright and early tomorrow to finish the driving.

Student Midwive's Prenatal Bag

2009-10-05T08:04:00.001-07:00

Ever wonder what glorious and magical items are packed into a student midwife's prenatal bag? Because we all know that there must be some strange new-agey hocus pocus going on in there!

Clockwise from top-left: NARM PEP application binder, Practical Skills for Midwifery text book, sphygmometer (blood pressure cuff), stethoscope, box of non-latex exam gloves, measuring tape, glucometer kid with test strips and lancets, reflex hammer, sterile disposable speculum, and a digital thermometer

Getting a bit nervous

2009-10-04T18:30:00.000-07:00

Time is flying and dragging right now. I've been thinking and planning this weekend for my trip and now it is Sunday night. Tomorrow night we have bowling. On Tuesday, I take the foster dog in to be fixed and pick up my rental car. And by early Wednesday morning, I'll be on the road to Tennessee. I'm having a bit of anxiety about the trip, but it's a good anxiety combined with a great deal of excitement.

I spent today updating the iPod, searching Roadside America for interesting things to stop and see during the drive, and putting addresses into the GPS so that I don't get lost. Tomorrow will be spent packing and doing last minute laundry. I also need to spend some time reviewing my Practical Skills Guide so that I'm all boned up on the skills we'll be working on. Not sure when I'll fit that in. Possibly at bowling tomorrow night.

I guess I'm preparing as much as possible. Meant to take some pictures in the last few days of the preparations, but that hasn't happened yet.

Learning to be unprepared

2009-10-02T05:13:00.000-07:00

I have never been a "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of girl. I like to be prepared. Already there have been times on this journey that I have just had to take a deep breath and relax, because I have done all I can to prepare and I just have to wait for the world to open up and bring the next thing to me. I cannot rush things or force things to happen in the order that I want them to. This new practice in patience and trust in the universe is becoming a learning experience of its own.

The excitement of my trip next week is starting to catch up to me. When I finish this blog entry, I'm headed to the storage closet to dig out a suitcase and start packing. Only four more days until I am on the road! I think I may even start taking some pictures tonight as I pack so that I can add them here. More colorful blog posts are much more interesting.... or something! *smile*

The first major step

2009-09-29T13:57:00.001-07:00

I've been on this path toward becoming a traditional midwife for awhile now. But within the last three months I have really kicked it into high gear. My doula work has really picked up and that has really intensified my passion for birth again.

I am honored to have been awarded the Heart of a Midwife Scholarship from Ancient Art Midwifery Institute. Again, another thing that has suddenly rekindled the flame for me.

I am so grateful to the Universe for opening the doors for me and gently insisting that I renew my dedication to birth and women's health care.

Next week, I am taking my first initial toe-dip into my training. I am travelling to Fayetteville, Tennessee to attend a basic skills workshop at Blessed Care Birth Center. To say that I am excited is one of the biggest understatements I have ever made. I can't seem to think about anything else in the last few days.

Starting this blog right now is perfect, because I will be able to document my trip to Tennessee and all of the experiences of the workshop. I am stretching it out into a miniature road trip for myself, and will be travelling from Wednesday until Monday, with two days of workshop tossed in for good measure.

The beginning.....

2009-09-29T12:04:00.000-07:00

The winter after I graduated from high school, the temperature had dropped to -11 degrees. I was done. Cold weather had finally worn a hole through the thin line that was holding me in Minnesota and I made the choice to move. I was 18 years old and my family knew my independent spirit well enough to realize that no amount of arguing was going to convince me to stay.

When I arrived in Dallas two weeks later, I instantly fell in love. Here was the “big city” I had been looking for. I was able to blend into the pavement and delve into self-discovery in a way that I had never experienced. I enjoyed that anonymity intensely for the first six months. But when I found myself pregnant and not yet 19, I panicked. I wanted to be visible.I wanted people to see me, to notice me, to help me. I was terrified.

On the day of my first prenatal appointment, I walked into the Agape Clinic near the University of Texas campus a pregnant little girl who had no faith in herself or her body. How would I ever carry deliver a child, let alone parent it? But that was a never a question for Carol Wiggs, the nurse midwife who became my care provider.

Carol worked every day with women from all walks of life; first time teenage moms from the area, new immigrant moms desperate for a better life for their babies, local moms who already had ten children. The waiting room at the clinic always was a melting pot of possible pregnancy situations and it never surprised her. The one thing that Carol was able to impart to every patient was her complete faith that each of us would deliver beautiful children and parent them in the best way we knew how. Each appointment with Carol was not only a physical checkup of my pregnancy, but a mini class in self love, confidence, and trust in my body. She recommended books for me to read, websites for me to browse, and concepts for me to spend some time thinking about. More importantly, she taught me that I was strong and completely capable. She helped me to understand that I knew exactly how to do whatever was needed and even when I didn’t trust myself to do it I could step back and listen to my body and instinct.

I gave birth to a beautiful 9 lb 12 oz boy in May of 1997. I fell in love. The first time I held him, I knew that all of the wisdom Carol had shared with me about instinct and self-trust was true. I could figure this out. We would be fine.

I moved back to Minnesota that fall, when my son was only a few months old. The importance of family was suddenly so much more real to me when there was a little life connected to mine. I lost touch with Carol and only recently exchanged a few brief emails with her.

As my son grew, I began to think about what I wanted to do with my life as he got older and less dependent on me. I thought hard about what my passions were and what was important to me. In the end, I started to think about the people who had really affected me and why. Carol kept coming up to the top of my list.

Childbirth fascinated me, but the idea of playing such a significant part of a woman’s life was the concept that kept leading me back to midwifery. I had become more and more interested in holistic and natural health care. It didn’t take long for me to come to the realization that becoming a traditional midwife was the path I was called to.