Contemplating

This blog has sat empty for a number of months.  It has been painful for me to even post here.  My emotions are running all over the spectrum lately when it comes to midwifery.  This is my life.  This is what motivates me and moves me.  And yet, I am starting to think that I am going to have to give it up. 

There does not seem to be an apprenticeship coming my direction any time soon. I cannot afford to keep making the tuition payments at MCU. The idea of traveling for school has crossed my mind, but after discussing it with my partner, it just doesn't seem as though that is ever going to happen either. 

It is truly breaking my heart.  I find myself losing my motivation to do *anything*, not just midwifery stuff.  As I feel this dream slip from my hands, I find myself thinking, 'Why bother?' What is the point in making my life into what I want it to be, if there is nothing to work toward?

Not trying to be a bummer here.  Just trying to face the facts. 

Middle of Winter Duldrums

Life continues on. My education continues on.  I've been busy with a lot of little things and they all seem to build up to be one gigantic life.  Obviously, that puts the blogging to the wayside a bit.  But this week, I have been taking some time to re-prioritize and I've realized that blogging really helps me to solidify things in my mind and to keep connected to the larger midwifery community as a whole.  I have made so many amazing connections and built some truly honest friendships through the internet and I have to remember how important those friendships can be for me.  So, I have a goal of blogging at least once a week. 

I will be taking my NRP course at the end of this month and one necessary certification will be out of the way for now.  I have a consult with a new doula client on Tuesday.  And I've finally started a savings account to begin working towards going to a high volume birth center sometime in the next year.  Working toward "it" and practicing that patience that I learned earlier in my journey.