Contemplating

This blog has sat empty for a number of months.  It has been painful for me to even post here.  My emotions are running all over the spectrum lately when it comes to midwifery.  This is my life.  This is what motivates me and moves me.  And yet, I am starting to think that I am going to have to give it up. 

There does not seem to be an apprenticeship coming my direction any time soon. I cannot afford to keep making the tuition payments at MCU. The idea of traveling for school has crossed my mind, but after discussing it with my partner, it just doesn't seem as though that is ever going to happen either. 

It is truly breaking my heart.  I find myself losing my motivation to do *anything*, not just midwifery stuff.  As I feel this dream slip from my hands, I find myself thinking, 'Why bother?' What is the point in making my life into what I want it to be, if there is nothing to work toward?

Not trying to be a bummer here.  Just trying to face the facts. 

Middle of Winter Duldrums

Life continues on. My education continues on.  I've been busy with a lot of little things and they all seem to build up to be one gigantic life.  Obviously, that puts the blogging to the wayside a bit.  But this week, I have been taking some time to re-prioritize and I've realized that blogging really helps me to solidify things in my mind and to keep connected to the larger midwifery community as a whole.  I have made so many amazing connections and built some truly honest friendships through the internet and I have to remember how important those friendships can be for me.  So, I have a goal of blogging at least once a week. 

I will be taking my NRP course at the end of this month and one necessary certification will be out of the way for now.  I have a consult with a new doula client on Tuesday.  And I've finally started a savings account to begin working towards going to a high volume birth center sometime in the next year.  Working toward "it" and practicing that patience that I learned earlier in my journey. 

A new semester begins

My second official semester as a midwifery student started yesterday.  It is going to be another fairly easy one with a writing course and a medical terminology course. We received an email a week ago that the beginning of our terminology course is being put off until later in the month, so as of right now I don't have a whole lot of "school" work to do.  It's actually kind of disappointing.  I like being a bit overwhelmed by my courses.  It keeps me on my toes.

Instead, I am starting out this semester working part-time at the bookstore at the University of Minnesota.  It would seem that would have absolutely nothing to do with my own education and a whole lot to do with the educations of a lot of young folks.  But if you could only hear me chanting my mantra of "MANA! MANA!  October! October!"  I plan on using every last penny that I earn working at the bookstore to fund my trip to the MANA conference in Nashville.  I'm so incredibly excited to go.  So many old friends to see, new friends to meet, amazing speakers to hear and workshops to attend. Horray for MANA!

Summer!

Ah summer!  It's been beautiful.  I've been on summer break officially for a week.  I finished up my finals last Tuesday and ever since I have just been completely vegetating.  For an entire week, I did nothing but catch up on episodes of The Colony, drinking coffee, and reading absolutely trashy novels.  I have a wonderful new doula client, so I am also prepping to get started on prenatal appointments with her.  And the weather has been perfect!  If you could write a script for a glorious summer break, this would be how it would be written.

Technically, classes do not start for another two and a half weeks.  But luck of all luck, Karen Strange is in town next week to present her Midwifery Management of Neonatal Resuscitation workshop.  I am so utterly thrilled about that.  Not only will I get my Neonatal Resuscitation Provider certification, but through a workshop that is touted as one of the best around.  Incredibly exciting.  Of course, the day after the workshop, my little family is headed off on vacation, but I honestly don't really care all that much!  I'll just have to pack early.  It's just such a wonderful opportunity!

End of the semester

I've been plugging along all summer now and there are officially only two weeks left in the semester.  I don't think I have been this proud of myself in quite some time.  Just finishing up one more project and taking one more final and I will have a couple of weeks off.  Summer break! We'll be off to Chicago for a week of family vacation.  I just have to get to there from here. 

I took three classes this semester, and have As in the two classes that are graded and a complete in the classes that was pass/fail.  I've worked very hard and studied very hard.  I often feel like I'm  paving a new path for myself and this time I'm doing it the right way.  I took the time to dig up the sod and smooth down the ground. I'm laying a foundation before I try to pour the cement. 

When I initially started this blog, I thought I would use it like every student midwife blog, but I'm finding that it is becoming much more about my journey than I originally planned.  I'm not posting many articles or essays about birth.  I'm not using it for birth activism.  Perhaps I should try to incorporate more of that.

Still not an apprentice

*sigh* I got the email this morning that the midwife went with someone else.  So, I'm still without an apprenticeship.  And completely and totally sad. 

There are all the arguments; "this was obviously not meant to be", "it wasn't the right apprenticeship for you," "it wasn't the right time".  And I agree.  Those things are probably true.  In fact, I know they are true.

But for today, I am just sad. 

A lesson in patience

Thus far along my path to becoming a midwife, I have found that most things are a lesson in patience.  There was the waiting until The Boy was old enough for me to start my education.  There was the waiting for the right time to enroll in a program.  There was the waiting to find out if I was accepted to Midwives College of Utah.  And now there is the waiting to find out if I am going to be apprenticing with the midwife I met with at the beginning of June.  It's all about patience.

Thankfully, it is a lesson that I am learning to handle fairly well.  Though I definitely have a lot of anticipation, it is a fun anticipation and I'm trying to learn to enjoy it.  The only concern I have is that there is one more apprenticeship at the new birth center that has opened up in our area that I would like to apply for if this one doesn't come through.  And I'm worried that the timing is not going to work out right and I will end up without either one. I want to work with the solo practice midwife, but would learn a lot from either. 

But I will just keep soaking up the lessons I am learning.  God knows that birth doesn't come when it is most convenient to us either!