Shock and Awe

I am sitting here fighting off tears of joy. It's been a few weeks since I updated, but until today, there hasn't been a lot to tell about my career as a student midwife.

About three weeks ago, I made the decision to apply to the Midwives College of Utah. It's a fantastic program. They offer a payment plan that I feel I can handle. The staff and instructors are wonderful and inspiring. They're MEAC accredited, which though isn't the end-all be-all in midwifery education since it's not required to become a midwife, it does add a level of security.

So, I submitted my application.

And as of about three hours ago, I am writing to you as an official student midwife with MCU.

I have a bunch of paperwork to go through over the next few days so that I can send in my initial enrollment fees and make it official. Classes will begin on May 3.

I'm still a bit in shock, I think. I simply cannot believe that life is really moving the way that I want it to.

And things change once again

I got the terrible news about two weeks ago that my short-term apprenticeship and the spring advanced skills workshop have been cancelled. So, very, very disappointing. I gotta admit that my heart broke a little bit. I've really just been feeling so anxious about finding a real apprenticeship. It's killing me. One step at a time grasshopper. I had another opportunity come up, but due to transportation issues, there is just no way to make it feasible this year. My next option is looking into one of the Domincan Republic trips offered. I just want to get some hands on experience. That has to help me to be more competitive when it comes to finding an apprenticeship.

I also think that I'm going to attempt a dual enrollment in two separate schools. MTB is a great guideline for self-study, but I'm feeling like I need a little more guidance. So I'm considering either the Midwives College of Utah or the Michigan School of Traditional Midwifery. Both are a bit more structured and a bit more well recognized. I feel like between the two programs, I will get an EXCELLENT, very encompassing education and will have a reputable school name to back that up. I truly hate that it matters to me. I wish I was one of those people who could just trust in myself to prove my worthiness, but I'm just not that confident. Not in my ability. I'm VERY confident in my ability to learn the information and to become an excellent midwife. It's my ability to sell myself that I'm not confident with. I feel like I need a strong program to stand on to prove the validity of my education. I don't know if that even makes sense. Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn't. All I know is that I wish I could get financial aid so that I could attend one of the schools that actually accepts it. Or that I had decent credit and could shuffle around some zero interest credit cards. I'm completely willing to go into debt for my education. I just don't have the option to do that.

So, things are changing. And that's okay. It's just...change.

Another Beautiful Week

I got my wish and attended a beautiful 6 lb 3 oz baby girl coming into the world the day after Christmas. It was an amazing birth with a very strong and resilient mama. She pushed for over three hours and it definitely renewed my spirit.

An amazing opportunity has presented itself to me and after talking to my family and tossing our schedules around in my head a bit, I have decided that I'm going to spend the month of May at the clinic in Tennessee on a short-term apprenticeship. The plan was initially that I would be going down for an advanced skills workshop the last weekend of April, but after getting the offer for the apprenticeship, I'll be staying from that weekend until sometime at the end of May. Luckily the clinic has a spare bedroom, so housing is incredibly affordable. The most expensive portion of the trip will be my travel expenses down there! It truly is a fabulous opportunity. And I think it is something that I may really need.

Unfortunately, I am not sure how things are working out with *M*. I have attended two prenatal appointments with her, but the most recent one was nearly three weeks ago. I was scheduled to go with her to a third, but she has been very ill with pneumonia. The mama that she has been letting me attend with is due to delivery in the first part of January, and I haven't heard from her in three weeks. I absolutely do not want to burden her at all, especially since she has been so sick. So, I'm starting to wonder if this is just a good opportunity to get to observe some births and help out a fellow birthworker, but not the long-term mentorship that I was hoping. We will see, however. I'm not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater quite yet.

But I do feel like by taking on this short-term apprenticeship in Tennessee, I am again adding to my "birth resume" and making myself an even more favorable candidate for any apprenticeship that should come up in the area, especially considering how terribly competitive this area can be for apprenticeships. It all leads me down the same path, but it is definitely better if I can prepare and make myself more competitive when a preceptor does become available.

It's a slow, slow process.

I finally got enrolled in an academic program to begin working in the direction of taking the NARM exam. I have chosen not to mention names or locations of any program on my blog, because I don't want it to turn into some sort of advertisement. But I can say that after spending months agonizing about which program to enroll with, I finally realized that putting myself into debt to pay for my education was not the best idea. So, my decision was definitely one that was driven by getting the best "bang for my buck," and I have definitely found that.

I've been attending prenatal appointments with *M* and I am still completely in love with the process. It's beautiful and it makes my heart soar each and every time.

Again, I am struggling with my constant urge to hurry up and make things happen. That just is not how the world works, but I fight the urge every day to rush, rush, rush. Midwifery will definitely be a series of lessons in humility and patience.

I am waiting right now for one of my doula clients to go into labor. The client I have been observing with *M* will be birthing some time at the beginning of January. Another doula client is due at the beginning of February. So, the births are coming. I just want to get myself immersed and the waiting it driving me crazy!

Part of that anticipation is the craving for that "space" that only a birth provides. There is a moment during a birth when everything else disappears. The world outside of the birthing room goes away. There is a total peace and energy. I wish that I could put more words to it. It is magical.

"The Death" overcame me...

And then I recovered.

Oh, my. The last few weeks really drug me down. I am 90 percent certain that I contracted H1N1 somewhere. It has a been a very long time since I have been that ill. There were moments when I could not imaging it could get any worse. And then it did.

But slowly over the last two weeks, with the aid of lots and lots of water, echinacea, golden seal, and massive quantities of Emerge-C, I have gotten back to healthy. It was a rather rocky road.

It really through a wrench into my schedule. I ended up having to reschedule numerous doula client appointments and ended up missing the prenatal with *M*. Fortunately, she was incredibly understanding. I'll be attending the rest of the prenatals with this couple and their birth in January. So, it seems everything is working out.

Now I just have to get through Thanksgiving and life can resume normal!

The World Can Be So Strange

The day before I was supposed to meet with the midwife about apprenticing, I called her to confirm our appointment. She was very sweet on the phone, but unfortunately, informed me that she had changed her mind. There are a lot of women in this area looking for apprenticeships and she felt that it was unfair to them to offer one to someone who had been studying for less time than they had. I understand that completely, even if I was a bit disappointed. I felt rather stupid on the telephone though after she told me that, and stammered my way through the rest of the conversation. It probably was not the most articulate moment of my life.

I was pretty sad to tell you the truth. In that moment, it seemed as though the only two paths that had been presented to me were blocked. The first midwife I had met with had been out of contact, and now the second one was not interested in working with me. I have to admit that I shed a couple of tears in that first ten minutes after hanging up my phone.

Then I set out to be proactive. I wrote an email to midwife #1, who from now on will be known as *M*. I told her in detail about the workshop in Tennessee and everything I had learned and how rejuvenated I felt by the experience. I asked again about attending births with her, even if it was just as an assistant. I told her I was willing to do anything just to get my foot in the door.

Within a half an hour, she responded back! My timing was perfect. She had spoke with a couple about me and they were interested in having me at their birth as an extra support. She had a prenatal appointment schedule with them for later in the week and asked if I could come with.

WOW. If that is not the world trying to tell me that this was meant to be, I don't know what it was!

*M* has communicated that she does not feel ready to take on an actual "teaching relationship" at this point, but that having me attend births and appointments as a support to her and families would be helpful.

I attended and observed my first prenatal last week. And it was so wonderful. And regardless of the official definition of my relationship with *M*, I learned a lot just from that one meeting. Watching her interact with the mom and dad taught me SO much about interacting with families. When we walked out we talked briefly about some of the unsaid communication that was presented (body language, etc) and I realized that I had so much to learn about just simple observation.

I can absolutely see myself doing this for the rest of my life. In fact, it is the only thing I can see myself doing.

Trying to Find a Path in the Forest

I think the scariest part thus far on this new adventure has been the idea of finding an apprenticeship.

I believe so strongly in the apprentice model of education. Midwifery is one of the few career choices you can take any more than relies so heavily on apprenticeship. There was a time when most careers were learned by extended apprenticeships, whether that was as a baker or a seamstress. Young people would find a master to learn from, aspiring to become masters at the craft they were learning. They experienced their chosen field in the real working world. They learned from situations, and not from text books.

This model truly seems to be the only real option when it comes to midwifery. It is a calling that does not lend itself well to classroom learning with hypothetical situations. It is an art where each and every situation can change in a moment, and there is no way to learn the level of flexibility and sustaining stamina without truly LIVING it.

There is also the sisterhood of midwifery...just an aside, kind of-- The "Sisterhood of Midwifery"is one of those phrases that tends to lend itself to what I call the "fluffy" language of midwifery. Personally, I'm not a into fluffy language. I like to tell things how they are. I love beautiful language. I'm a literature hound. Some of my favorite reading is poetry. Yet, when it comes to the real world, I like to keep things real.

But in this case...it is a phrase that I love. The sisterhood of midwifery. Sisterhood. Women, together, in a bond that is unbreakable and undeniable. It describes *exactly* the experiences I have had that have kept me coming back to my passion for birth and the birthwork. It's that sisterhood that refreshes me and rejuvenates my passion. And apprenticeship plays into that sisterhood so much! Women teaching women to care for women. Each One, Teach One. Leaning on each other for our education and, once we are ready, furthering the educations of future generations.

So, I have been searching for an apprenticeship. I've been searching hard. I have contacted every midwife in Minnesota. I've received very few responses back. A few are not looking for apprentices right now, and I have genuinely appreciated that they at least took the five minutes to tell me that. Most suggested that if I was still looking in six months to a year, I could contact them again. I have met with one midwife, but never really heard much from her again after we met. I'm taking that to mean that it just was not meant to happen. I have an appointment this week with another midwife, who I am very interested in working with. There are a number of reasons that I find her practice appealing, including her wonderful reputation. We'll see how the meeting this week goes, but I'm really crossing my fingers.

I know that I will find an apprenticeship when I am supposed to and that the right doors will open when they should.